The Guilt Struggle: Why Setting Boundaries with Emotionally Immature Parents and Siblings Feels So Bad (Even When It’s Right)

The Invisible Tug of “Should”

You know the boundary was necessary. Maybe it was limiting contact, saying no to an obligation, or finally speaking a long-held truth. And yet, as soon as you take that step, it hits: the guilt. A gnawing sense that you’re doing something wrong. That you’re being too harsh, too sensitive, too unforgiving. You replay what happened, second-guess your decision, or feel an almost magnetic pull to undo the boundary just to ease the discomfort. Welcome to the guilt struggle—a painful, confusing cycle that often traps adult children of emotionally limited or immature parents.

What Is It Like to Struggle with Guilt?

The guilt struggle is the recurring pattern of:

1. Setting a boundary (or even considering one),

2. Feeling overwhelming guilt for doing so,

3. Questioning or reversing the boundary to relieve the guilt,

4. Feeling resentment or hurt again when the parent or sibling repeats the same pattern,

5. Starting the cycle over.

This struggle loop doesn’t happen because you’re weak. It happens because you’ve been conditioned—sometimes over a lifetime—to equate self-protection with selfishness, and obedience with love.

The Roots of False Guilt

True guilt is what we feel when we violate our values—when we act out of alignment with our integrity and when we cause harm. A guilt deserving of critical inquiry, on the other hand, is what we feel when we violate someone else’s expectations, especially if those expectations were wired into us early on. Children of emotionally immature parents often grew up in environments where emotional caretaking flowed in the wrong direction—you had to manage your parents’ feelings, not the other way around. This role reversal, known as parentification, teaches a child to attune to others’ needs at the expense of their own. In adulthood, reclaiming your boundaries can feel like betrayal, even when it’s healing.

Guilt as a Protector

From a parts-based or Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, guilt can be understood as a protector part—a psychological mechanism trying to keep you safe from perceived harm. In this case, the harm might be:

• Losing your parents’ approval or affection

• Being seen as “the bad one” in the family narrative

• Disrupting long-standing (but unhealthy) dynamics

• Facing unresolved grief or loneliness

These fears aren’t irrational. They reflect real wounds, often from times when saying “no” as a child wasn’t emotionally or physically safe. So when you set a boundary now, that inner protector (guilt) springs into action—not because you’re doing something wrong, but because you’re doing something new. And newness can feel like danger when your nervous system associates connection with compliance.

Transcending the Guilt Struggle

Healing from this cycle doesn’t mean never feeling guilt. It means learning to differentiate false guilt from true values, and learning to feel guilt without obeying it.

Some steps toward that include:

1. Name the guilt when it arises.
   “This is the part of me that learned I need to be ‘good’ to be safe.” Naming helps create distance and insight.

2. Validate your boundary before the guilt can undermine it.
   “It’s okay to protect my peace. It’s okay to say no.”

3. Track your physical sensations.
   Guilt often shows up somatically: a tight chest, sinking stomach, a restless urge to call or apologize. Stay with the sensation and let it move through—don’t rush to soothe it by betraying yourself.

4. Revisit your ‘why.’
   Keep a journal or letter to yourself that outlines why this boundary matters. When guilt clouds your memory, return to your clarity.

5. Work with the guilt part directly.
   You can even speak to it, lovingly: “Thank you for trying to protect me. I know you're scared. I’m safe now, and I’m allowed to choose what’s right for me.”

6. Receive support.
   Guilt loses power when it’s shared in a safe, validating space. Therapy, support groups, or trusted friendships can provide the anchor you didn’t have growing up.

You’re Not a Bad Person for Wanting to Feel Safe

Boundaries are not punishments. They are tools for clarity, self-regulation, and emotional safety. And guilt, while painful, does not mean you're doing something wrong—when it comes to emotionally limited family members, it often means you're doing something different. The struggle may not disappear overnight. But over time, as your inner child learns that safety doesn’t require self-erasure, the guilt begins to soften. And in its place, something new can grow: a sense of focused agency, loving confidence, groundedness, and quiet self-trust.

If you’re navigating the pain of boundary-setting and the guilt that follows, know this: You are not alone. My work supports individuals who are untangling from family systems that never made space for their emotional truth—and learning to reclaim it now. You deserve peace, not punishment, for becoming who you are.

If you are interested in depth and body-centered psychotherapy and would like to schedule a complimentary phone consultation, please reach out here.